A Faithful Heart

It is really late right now, and I should be getting to bed...but, my heart is so full of peace and happiness right now that I just had to share. I have been touched by so many emails, conversations, and speeches that I've heard today. I am in wonder at our marvelous God! My eyes were opened by an email that my friend Stephanie sent me today. She talked about the quote..."God never gives you more than you can handle." I've always found strength in it, but she gave me a little more insight into it. She talked about her daughter, Emily, and her struggles...God only allowed them to learn a little at a time about her issues...at only the perfect time for them to accept it. I feel the same way about Lydia. I remember when I was pregnant for Audrey...I prayed for a healthy baby and had these feelings: Of all the things that could possibly be or go wrong with a baby, I could hardly imagine that we would have a child with no problems...then she came along and was possibly the easiest baby ever created. Then, when I was pregnant for Elise, I thought mostly about whether it was a boy or a girl (stupid, huh?). I just assumed that she would be free of problems too. When we learned of her delays, we met them head-on and treated them...knowing that she would grow to one day develop age-appropriately. When I was pregnant with Lydia, I remember thinking that it would be so nice to have a baby again that I wouldn't have to worry about how fast or well she was developing....thinking that God wouldn't possibly give me two children with delays. I prayed mostly about her delivery, again assuming that she would just be healthy. I think that if the doctors had told me when she was born that she would undergo just what we know now...it would have been extremely daunting. Even when we discovered her reflux, when she was admitted to the hospital, I was thinking, "Good. Let's take care of this and get on with our lives." I was expecting that we would find a solution and bring home a happy baby. Case closed. If I had found out half of what I know now at that point...again, I don't think I would have been able to handle it. Hearing each bit of information separately, at God's own timing, has helped to make it easier for me. Thank you Stephanie for that eye-opening reflection.

I am also in awe that God knows what He's doing....as we all already knew...but, it is wonderful to think about. In talking with Lydia's Nannie J some time back, I was talking about how I wondered why God made Lydia my third child. I thought that I could have cared for her much easier if I didn't have two other little ones that also needed me. Then, it occurred to me...after Audrey was born, Martin and I felt that I needed to go back to work. I could never have worked full-time with the schedule that Lydia keeps...she's busier than a lot of adults I know. :) Then, I realized that He gave me Elise before Lydia to prepare me for the world of therapy and inconsistencies. I have gained so much knowledge from Elise's treatment that has helped me to deal with and be prepared for treatment of Lydia...not that their conditions are the same, but the things we have experienced with Elise have prepared me mentally, emotionally, and physically for the things that have happened and the things that are yet to come with Lydia. Not to mention the fact that God instilled in me (from childhood) the desire to be a stay-at-home mom. How awful it would be if I resented the fact that I couldn't work outside of the home? And how thankful I am about the opportunities that have been given to me by Tammy and WBR parish in the field of educational technology...and the fact that I walked into Jan Hinson's office at LSU one day unsure of what field I wanted to pursue for my master's degree and she said, "Maybe you'd like educational technology." That has brought me so many opportunities for work at home.

Another touching quote today: I was flipping through channels tonight while feeding Lydia and I ran into a lady speaking on the Catholic tv station. She was talking about being "blessed by stress." I so relate to that! My life lately seems to feel like one big stresser and one big blessing at the same time. I see all of the good that has already come from this. So many hearts joined together in prayer! So many people offering their help and support! Again, God knows what He's doing.

I want to pray for Ms Hilda and all other family members and friends who are struggling with accepting whatever life brings for Lydia. I have seen sadness in so many of my loved ones, and I want that to be replaced by peace and happiness. May we all feel at peace knowing that God will reveal his masterful plan that is so much greater than anything we could plan for Lydia or ourselves. Though I feel stressed and overwhelmed about how busy our lives are right now, I feel joy in my heart that Lydia is who she is...and will become all that God wants her to be. I know that she will touch lives and make a mark in this world...Ms Hilda pointed out that she already has. I feel that is true. Some people have said that they are praying for a miracle for her. I have no doubt that God will answer these prayers...he already has. She is already such a beautiful miracle and a blessing to us.

Just a few days ago, you read my post about my breakdown...my first tear about this situation. A few hours later, my aunt Leigh came over and spent the rest of the day...she helped to straighten up my house and wash a ton of clothes. After clearing some of that clutter, I felt much better. I wrote to my friend Marcie today...yes, we are going through a lot right now, but God is giving us the people, the tools, and the strength to get through it. I feel such a peace knowing that He will NEVER let us go through it alone. We are not raising Lydia all by ourselves...He is and will be with us every step of the way, and I pray that He continues to send all of the angels that have helped us so far. I am so grateful for every doctor, every nurse, every therapist, every friend, every family member, every encouraging word, every innocent child, every ANGEL that helps me to stay positive and full of joy in a time that could potentially be heart-wrenching. I want all of you to know how much your encouraging words help me...I need to continue to hear them...Sometimes I doubt that I am doing the best job that I can. Your confidence and support are very helpful. Thank you!

I think about Brian Hess's wife, Kimen...my heart goes out to her so much. Her husband was in a car accident over a year ago and is still recovering. Their lives have changed forever. We know that God gives us only what we can handle. I don't know if I could handle that. Yes, Lydia will have some issues and we will need to be strong for her...but, I have my husband (my best friend) to go through it with me. I can talk to him about any doubts or fears that I have, and I can find strength in our relationship. That is so helpful in my situation. I continue my prayers for her, as I do for everyone who needs them. Sometimes, like today, I find myself not sure of what to pray. And I am reminded of a story I once heard...a little boy was heard saying his ABC's over and over again while on his knees. When someone asked what he was doing, he said that he was praying, but he didn't know what to say...so he decided to give God the letters so that He could make the words. - God always knows. He just needs us to remain close and put our trust in Him.